It's Getting Easier (Part Five)

Ironically enough, this post has been the most difficult of this series for me to write. One would think that admitting my past mistakes, including my struggle with depression and bulimia, would be incredibly hard to do, but it really felt like it was the right time. The moment I first began writing these posts I was very aware that this blog is public to the entire Internet and I have links on my Facebook and Twitter so anyone, stranger or friend, can read it. I'm not ashamed of what I've been through though. As a Psychology major, I've always been a strong proponent of awareness of mental health issues. Depression is a real medical issue, like addiction, schizophrenia, OCD or any other mental health problem. I always encouraged others to talk to a therapist if necessary, but it was not until after my 21st birthday that I admitted I really needed help and sought it myself.
I was feeling the same way I felt my freshman year of college, I had lost friendships with two of my "best friends", and I could not understand why things were not getting better. Just admitting that I needed help lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. It's not my intention or desire to go into every little thing I talked about or did in any of my therapy sessions. The funny thing is I don't even remember every little detail. It was incredibly difficult at first; I had good days and bad days. I even had days when I felt like medication would be my only option. After a few months though, everything I learned had started to set in and now I can honestly say that I feel remarkably content. Feelings are impossible to quantify, which is what really made the post so hard to even begin, because all I can definitively say is that I actually am a different person now. All I can really talk about is what I have learned.

• Acceptance. This was the hardest thing for me to learn and truthfully it's still a work in progress. I had to accept the choices that I made that I wasn't so happy with, as well as the things that happened to me that were beyond my control. I had to accept who I am - that, yes, I do have an anxiety prone mind and that's the way I'm wired, but I can control how I think and choose not to let worries affect my life. I had to accept that I'm never going to be your conventional blonde haired, blue eyed pretty girl. All of that is okay now - because I really like where I am and who I'm turning out to be and I have never been able to say that with certainty until now.
• Patience. I used to be a little spitfire. I used to say I was sassy, but really I was a bitch. I had all this hostility bottled up inside, so the littlest things would set me off. It's strange to think back about every moment I was on the brink of flipping out on someone last year and contrast it with now. My current co-workers have actually told me that they didn't think I ever got angry or emotional. Anyone I've worked with before probably would laugh at that. It's not that I don't feel things anymore, because I do, but I know how to pick my battles and I know that the best things are worth waiting for. 
• Confidence. I always wanted to be confident, but even when I seemed self-assured, I was secretly very insecure. I've always had a knack for comparing myself with others and never has it benefited me. In school I always worried that I wasn't as smart as the next person, in relationships I was never as pretty as the ex and every passing girl was the potential next, and in my job I would lose out to someone more educated or with more experience. And it always showed. I tried so hard to hold it in, but I have no doubts that anyone who met me over six months ago could see the glaring signs of insecurity. I don't think about those things anymore. I focus on me - only me and it's done wonders. 

I wonder sometimes about what will happen if things take a downturn, but I don't think I'll let them. And I think perhaps that's the greatest change I've experienced - realizing that the pain I experienced for years, though real, doesn't have to be there forever. 

Posted in: acceptance, anxiety, confidence, depression, mental health, patience, self esteem