It's Getting Easier (Part Two)

I entered college with the worst mindset. I was bitter about not performing better in high school and, instead of seeing college as a fresh start, I had the same negative attitude I carried in high school. 
One thing that weighed heavily on my negativity about college was my lack of preparation. I didn't give college that much thought and my parents never pushed me much. My mother received her AA in Nursing from a community college, while my father went to Johns Hopkins, even though his record indicates to me he could have gone to Harvard or Yale. My parents were dealing with a lot of stress at the time of my college applications process and I was mostly on my own. One of my closest high school friends fell in love with Ohio State during a tour and subsequently, I did some research and it seemed like a good choice. I applied and was admitted with a full-tuition scholarship within about two weeks. I couldn't turn down the money and I didn't want to go to University of Maryland like it seemed my entire graduating class did, so I accepted the offer of admission.
To add to my initial disenchantment with the college process, my boyfriend broke up with me the day before I left for school. He did me a great favor, but at the time it was like my life had come to a screeching halt. The inevitable high school relationship transition to college break-up is basically a rite of passage, but I didn't rise to the occasion and overcome the pain like I wish I had. I was far away, single and alone, and homesickness had crept into every aspect of my life like I never thought it would. I've always had a good relationship with my parents, but I had a healthy social life in high school and I never would have guessed that I'd be so incredibly homesick. 
Ohio State provided me with every resource I needed and looking back on that is incredibly painful for me. I was in an Honors program with plenty of AP credits that allowed me to schedule as early as I wanted. I got to see the most amazing football stadium and games and workout at the RPAC, the best fitness facility at any college. I had access to the most intelligent professors and incredible research and internship opportunities. I easily could have graduated with a double major in just two years and two quarters of college.
It just wasn't enough for me though. I had every classic clinical sign of depression. My first quarter of college I   slept all the time, I couldn't bring myself to eat much of anything, I felt lonely and hopeless and had no interest in doing anything but watching repeat episodes of Gossip Girl. The first time I visited home in October it took a turn for the worse. My ex boyfriend picked me up from the airport and everything was different. I thought home would be safe and perfect, but it wasn't. So what did I do? I threw up my blueberry muffin and vanilla latte from the flight.
It's how I learned to cope and how I continued to cope for the next quarter. I would go on late night burrito and cereal runs only to see my dinner floating in the toilet after throwing it up. I'd eat thousand calorie parfaits and they'd be out of my system within the hour. I cried all the time, couldn't sleep, and was a total bitch to my roommates. I didn't want to get help - I swore I didn't need help. It wasn't me, it wasn't an illness, it was the place. If I got out of the place, if I changed my situation, it'd set me free.
It wasn't that easy, of course.

Posted in: anxiety, depression, mental health, personal