It's Getting Easier (Part Three)

The freedom I felt as I drove back to Maryland was short-lived and I directed my new found freedom to all the wrong channels. My parents would not accept me living at home with no job and not enrolled in school, but I lucked out and found a job within two weeks of returning home.
Luck is a funny word and it's especially funny to think of it in such a context. I had never made real money before, so having a job that gave me more than a sixty dollar bi-weekly paycheck was eye opening. The job, however, was in a big box retail and if you've been fortunate to avoid working retail, I must say the awful stories you hear are almost always true. At first I didn't hate it though. I needed to feel like I could excel at something and it certainly wasn't difficult to excel at easy things like cashiering, working the sales floor, and customer service. I won't deny that finding a job so quickly and becoming successful with such ease gave me confidence; in that sense, I had lucked out. The issue was my sense of confidence was a false one.
I spent a great deal of that year volleying back and forth from guy to guy. Upon reflection, I barely spent 48 hours unattached to a fling or romantic interest. As someone who normally avoids relationships, it was an anomaly of a year, but it served to fuel that false sense of confidence that propelled me forward. Despite the fact that I exercised little discretion with my choices, I still felt pretty and wanted. None of my flings worked out. Some failed because I chose to pursue guys who clearly did not wanted to be tied down or guys with whom I shared no real common interests. Others failed because of ex drama, poor timing, or, most unfortunately, strong showings of insecurity on my part. 
I ended my year exactly where I started, with no direction. I thought because I had received a paltry raise, was accepting the affections of any guy who wanted to give them, and could (barely) afford an apartment of my own that I was in the right place. I had, yet again, shoved my issues into a box and refused to address them. 

Posted in: mental health, personal